Is It Enough?
by server47
Summary: sark realizes that sydney is better off without him,and breaks her heart
1. The End of You and I

Chapter 1 Is It Enough?

"Get out" Sark heard himself say, his voice laced with restrained anger.

"I'm not leaving" Sydney stated firmly "I have done nothing wrong and will not leave this room until you understand that."

"Nothing you say will make this situation better right now" he seethed "I can't believe that you would do something so idiotic Sydney. He still would not turn around to face her. He was too angry at the moment.

"Why won't you look at me? She pleaded fruitlessly.

He would not answer her. He knew he could control his rage if he opened his mouth to speak but not the words that would come out in the process. Looking out the picture window in their bedroom was so much better then facing her at the moment.

"What did I do wrong?" Sydney asked, not about to let him get away with acting like a five year old. "I called my father to tell him that you and I were together, that I am ok, I wanted him to know that I am happy here. I just didn't want him to worry, that's all. They will stop looking for me now that they know that I am here willingly, that I want to be here with you." she said exasperatedly. Why won't he look at me, I hate it when he gets like this.

"Don't you see it Sydney? He said quietly faltering when saying her name. "now that they know that your with me they will think that did something to make you stay, that I brainwashed you into believing that you want to be here, that you had no choice. They will not stop looking for you thinking that.

She laughed "that's what you're worried about? I told me father to cover for me and I trust him to do so, he'll tell every one that I took a permanent vacation. I think he would know I am able to protect myself from the likes of you if need be. You could hardly touch me when we were on opposing sides" she joked casually.

"Do you truly believe that you're safe with me? With everything I am still involved in?"

"its not as if I am inexperienced with this lifestyle Sark, I have lived with it most of my life, I know that danger that comes with what you do and I know how to take of myself if it becomes an issue." she stated calmly and professional as if she had been preparing to say that for some time now.

"Are you safe from yourself?" Sark said still looking out the window and now noticing that his reflection was becoming clearer with the setting sun.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you sure that your ready to give up what you want, are you safe from…for the lack of a better word, your desires? I don't think that you realize that by staying here with me you're giving up everything in your life, and everything that you may have had the opportunity to have in your life. You would not be able to see your friends or your father anymore, you will be lonely here." he said with what she thought sounded like sadness in his voice.

"I'll have you" she said coming closer to stand in front of him.

"Will I be enough for you Sydney? He said not looking her in the eyes, his hands remaining in his pockets.

"You've been enough so far haven't you?" Sydney said smiling sweetly pulling at the belt loops on his jeans to pull him closer.

But he did not move. "This is not a joke." He said bringing his gaze to meet hers "you can't stay here with me forever. It will never work." He saw what he said register in her eyes, the uncertainty and the instant question of what he meant, and he wished he could take it back.

She backed away from him and he missed the heat of her body so close to his immediately.

"Why would you say that? Sydney said, barely able to get that out, the shock at his confession still washing over her.

Saying nothing at first Sark looked away wondering why he ever let her know his worries. He did not know why just being in her presence made him say things unsaid even in his own mind. He wanted her stay, wanted her to want to stay. He just didn't want her to regret it and resent him for it later now he could see that she had not thought about it what it would mean to be with him, the full affects of her decisions, of leaving everything and everyone behind.

"Sydney, were just delaying the inevitable eventually you will realize that this is not what you want. You'll want to have a normal life , a family ,lots of friends you'll want dinner parties and birthday parties, vacations and anniversaries, children running around everywhere and you'll want a husband who is around all the time with a normal job like a teacher or something. I can't give you that and I don't think you've taken that to heart yet. Its killing me slowly knowing that one day you will not want to be with me because I can't give you those things." Sark said stopping for a moment to gather his thoughts trying to lie effectively so that she would believe that they were better off without each other. That she was better off without him. He didn't know if he could do it. But then thought that both their worlds were based on lies and partial truths what would one more do?

"We are setting ourselves up for failure. Leave now Sydney. Don't come back" Sark said hoping that the unhappiness in his voice was hidden behind the grim smile on his face; he quickly wiped it away when he saw the contempt in her eyes. Good God could he really do this? Could he really send her away?

"If this was how you felt then why would you not say something earlier! Sydney said raising her voice "how dare you lead me on this far if you had no intention of following thru with any of it. Or was that your plan all along, just to get me to leave the CIA to get me away from my father and the life I had?" Sydney said the anger at his words pricking at her nerves and bubbling forth uncontrollable.

Not about to have her question him Sark said" I Hardly call pining after a married man a life agent Bristow." He should have kept his mouth shut and the resounding slap to his left cheek proved his theory.

Sydney was fuming and was pacing the now semi dark bedroom which was illuminated by the light coming from the adjoining bathroom. She stopped to turn and face him

"Well Mr. Sark at least I was loved." The way she enunciated Mr. Sark with such loathing and animosity almost shocked him, but she was angry and for such an amazing woman Sydney had an angry streak a mile wide that now one should ever be on the receiving end of and Sark found himself in the thick of it.

How he hated himself at that moment, hated how he made her this way thought it was the only way she would leave him willingly. He was hurting her more by wanting her with him, her life was in even more danger now that the CIA would think she was a traitor.

If she returned back then her father would clear it up for her .she could go back to her life like before. Without him.

He saw the decision in her eyes probably before she realized it herself. She was going home. She stood in front of him motionless. Her heart breaking and tears threatening to fall, but her pride kept them in. Sark could see the tears though and he wanted to wipe them away. He was a bit startled when she came closer to him and brought her hand to his face, he flinched thinking she was going to slap him again.

But she kissed him instead. Bringing her lips to his and lightly pressing into him. He was too shocked to move. She had closed her eyes, and then he heard her whisper hoarsely yet with painstaking clarity "kiss me back".

So he did, and he began to feel her tears against his cheeks and he knew he would be scared forever by them, he wrapped one arm around her waist and the other behind her head pulling her closer, and he wanted to feel her warmth warming him. But she pulled away, and he stood breathless and marveled at how broken she looked with her tears falling freely and her now swollen lips. She was sobbing now and she quickly walked out of the room.

Sydney walked thru the house and knew she would miss it horribly. She didn't want to bring anything with her, she would leave it all behind otherwise it would hurt too much to look at.

She stopped at the front door. Unsure of the fact that she could really leave everything they had behind. But she looked around and realized that none of it was real, the illusion of love had been and had fooled her long enough yet she had been content with that, but everything had changed today and not the way she wanted it too. She stood at the door for a full five minutes staring at the doorknob. As soon as she shut the door behind her it was then that she realized she should have told Sark the real reason she called her father that morning.

She was pregnant.


	2. Knowing Too Much

Chapter 2 Is It Enough?

She had been back in LA for a little over a month now her anger slowly subsiding and forming into defeat. Her need for normalcy for a small semblance of a life outside of the one she was now leading was beginning to weaken. In its place was something she was not used to, something dark that hung over her like a rain cloud and soon Sydney realized that it was the feeling of giving in of giving up what she wanted.

She missed him. And knowing that she was pregnant with his child was frightening because she also knew that she couldn't be with him. Everything was difficult just like it has always been and now it was becoming increasingly apparent that she was making a life changing decision involving no longer just herself. She had to tell him. But that truth was terrifying. How would he react? Would he be happy? Or would he be angry, not just at the fact that she didn't tell him but that she wanted to keep the baby? She would not abort it and nothing would make her. Adoption maybe but even that would hurt. To carry a child to full term and then having to give it away to a stranger, not mention the security risks. Someone could find out that she had a baby and use it against her; Sydney knew that she couldn't do it. This could be the only chance she ever had at having a family though incomplete. She would keep the baby, tell the CIA that she quit and then maybe get a chance to live a normal life, thought overshadowed by the life she lead before and the life of the babies father. But she would do it and deciding after much deliberation not to tell Sark, she would be doing it alone.

"Are you sure this is what you want to do Sydney?" Jack asked her while sitting on the bench next to Sydney

"Yes. I have thought about it so much I can't go back to square one. This is what I want to do. I would rather this baby be safe then to be in a family involved with what he does. I was brought up in a family like that." Sydney said and looked at her father lovingly giving him a small smile.

"And I wouldn't change it for the world. This may sound cliché but I wouldn't be who I am today if I wasn't raised like I was, and you I love you and I'm going to miss you but I need to do this for me. For so long I have chased others dreams and this is mine to have a family to have a baby." Sydney said her hand on her stomach patting it affectionately, Her other hand holding her fathers.

Jack turned to face her and said "you're not going to tell him are you?"

"I can't, my worst fear is that he will make me get rid of it. I can't take the chance of him knowing, for all the love I have for Sark for everything we have been thru, he is still Mr. Sark and I know what he is capable of." Sydney said shaking her head "I just don't want to take the chance of him doing anything."

"Sark is a cold blooded killer , yes we know that but even you said that he changed when you were with him , do you really think that he would make you abort this baby syd?"

Sydney looked up at her father smiled distantly "a small part of me says no and then I think back on everything he has done and I freak out even if he doesn't make me get rid of the baby, what if five years down the road this kid is kidnapped and or what if this kid is raised to be like him or even me for that matter, I want this kid to be in the little leagues I want this kid to go to summer camp and to go to sleepovers I want them to go fishing and to star in a school play, what I don't want is another project Christmas I don't want this child to learn how to load a gun when he is seven years old or have to learn how to lose someone if they are being followed by car when they finally get their drivers license at seventeen. This kid is going to be normal dad, and I will damn well make sure of it." Sydney said convincingly.

"Well you have my support and I'll help you with whatever you need." Jack said as he stood up taking Sydney's hand as they walked back to there cars taking there time strolling on the beach.

It was two AM on a Wednesday night and he had been driving for a little over 4 hours now. He didn't know that it was about this tonight or rather about this morning that made him want to stay in motion. The sound of the car humming dullfully in his ears, the tires were gliding over the road creating an illusion of peace of mind.

He missed her and his mind had been anything but peaceful since the day she had left. He had gone back to work having been told to kill a man that stole quite a large sum of money from one of his many allies. He had killed a man today. He had missed today and today was one of those days where he wanted to go anywhere but home. The empty and silent house no longer his escape not longer the calming atmosphere it had become to him.

It was haunted now, with memories of her with memories of them both, right now Sark did not want to face the empty bed or the turned off coffee pot he didn't want to see the clothes hanging in the closet or the perfume on the dresser. But most of all Sark didn't want to face the many questions and many feelings that would come from that tiny plastic pregnancy stick that wrapped in toilet paper in the bathroom adjoining their bedroom.

Most of all Sark did not want to face that.


	3. This Is Starting Over

CHAPTER 3

The minute that Sark had returned home he walked into the bathroom and found the pregnancy test exactly where he had left it on the counter.

He found himself afraid to touch it and for the next hour and a half he walked back and forth into the bedroom and then back into the bathroom never laying a hand on the test.

There were so many possibilities that needed to be answered just because of the little thing of plastic. Was the test positive? Was Sydney pregnant with their child? Or was it negative and he had nothing to worry about?

He was anxious and for the first time in a long time he felt frightened. His thoughts were agitated and running wild with things that he didn't think he would ever have to deal with in life. The house was quiet around him and he liked it that way. As Sark walked back and forth he tried to imagine a child crying in the back round or a child's laughter or toys scattered across the floor, he tried to imagine baby food in the fridge and diapers in the closet, a stroller and car seat in his convertible and he just couldn't see it. He had never thought of himself has a father, had never even imagined it before.

The day was coming to a close and Sark had gotten no further to bringing himself to what might be happening then he was earlier in the day. He was sitting on the porch drinking a glass of wine when he decided that he needed to talk to Sydney about it. He had to find out the truth. He needed to know if he was a father or not. The only problem was how he would face her after what he told her. He had lied to her and made her leave. Why would she want anything to do with him, and knowing her she would not want to abort the baby and would most certainly not want to raise it like she was raised or much less like he was raised?

Sark lifted his fingers to his temples rubbing them in a circular motion trying to relieve the oncoming headache sighing into the silence and he found himself missing her again. He walked into their bedroom, taking off his shoes he sat down on the bed and collapsed

Into a restless nightmarish sleep.

Sydney was packing her books into a box when she heard her father's voice.

"Sydney?"

"Back here dad" she yelled wiping a thin layer of sweat off her forehead.

"Ok so I got Chinese food and Mexican I didn't know which one you wanted"

Jack said as he entered her bedroom carrying two bags full of takeout.

Sydney stood for a full minute staring the bag and she got a whiff of the Mexican food and ran for the bathroom leaving jack with a worried look on his face. "Oh god Sydney I'm sorry I completely forgot that you can't eat Mexican food anymore. I'll go throw it out right now" jack said leaving her bedroom.

"Throw it out outside dad I can't take the smell" Sydney said weakly as another round of nausea came over her.

Fifteen minutes later Sydney was sitting on the kitchen counter hungrily eating the Chinese takeout. "Its amazing how this baby is so picky to what it likes to eat, I can't believe it doesn't like Mexican food. I love Mexican food." Sydney said as she gulfed down another spoonful of egg drop soup.

Jack smiled as he ate the orange chicken "well I prefer Chinese food so maybe the little guy takes after me."

"What makes you so sure it's a boy?"

"Nothing really just wishful thinking I guess." jack said wiping some orange sauce off his chin. "It would be nice to have a little guy running around here don't you think?"

Sydney smiled wistfully "yeah it would be nice, but I am not sure I want to know the sex of the baby, it would be kind of nice to be surprised with it." She said rubbing her stomach thoughtfully.

Jack leaned back into the chair and said quietly" your mother didn't want to know either.

She said it was more exciting if you kept it a secret until the baby was born." Jack smiled thoughtfully "she said that we should pick out a name that would go well with a boy or a girl. But in the end she picked out Sydney for you and Marek for a boy. I always liked the name Marek for a boy something about it that just rings with... well I don't know just something about that name that I like." Jack said has he got up and began to throw away the empty takeout containers in the trash and take it outside to join the Mexican food.

Sydney watched him to do this and a memory of Sark and her popped into her head.

Sark was picking up their empty plates and bringing them to the sink to where Sydney was doing the dishes from their dinner. Gathering up their trash he tied the bag and was going to take it outside when he heard Sydney's laughter from behind him. Turning around to face her he asked "what?"

Sydney laughed even more. The sight of Sark getting ready to take out the trash was not something anyone probably imagined

"Its just, well look at you, the big spy Mr. Sark is taking out his own trash, and to do so you take your gun with you, that's not the least bit funny to you?" she said her laughter still evident in her eyes as she looked at him.

Sark smirked and put the bag on the ground and as Sydney began to laugh again his smirk turned into a smile as he came towards her and pulled her into a kiss. Sydney vaguely remembered that the trash was never taken out that night or the next night either.

Two days before Sydney was to leave Los Angeles she went back to the office to say goodbye to Dixon and Marshall. Vaughn was no where to be seen and it didn't bother her in the least. As she gave everyone a last hug goodbye she started to feel a little queasy and she didn't think it was because of the baby, this was a different type of nausea quickly she walked towards the double doors leading outside, and for the first time in a while Sydney felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders which had been carrying too much for too long.

Looking up Sydney noticed the sky and the colors of the clouds they were a Brilliant white and it was then that she decided that she was going to be fine. She and this baby would be happy and they would live normal lives. Walking away from that building, that life was the easiest thing Sydney had ever done.

Sark had been watching the house for a week now and he watched boxes being loaded onto a truck, he watched Jack Bristow carry bags of what looked like takeout food into the house every day at 12:15 on the dot .Being a punctual CIA agent seeps into every aspect of life Sark realized. He didn't see Sydney at all; she never left the house not even for her usual morning run. She had obviously been released of charges from the CIA for her absence for the past ten months. Sark ran his hands thru his hair. Jack surely had something to do with that.

Fiddling with the radio and not finding anything good Sark turned it off. It was hard to believe that they were together for ten months Sark shook his head to himself no not ten months, nine months, they had only been together for nine months. Sark smirked beneath his hand which was keeping his chin up it had only taken a month to win her over, though it had taken over 5 for her to admit she loved him and even then Sark shook his head , she only would show how much she cared about him in her sleep. Sark remembered the first time he noticed it...

She woke up in a cold sweat his name coming off her lips in a violent scream. He sat watching her, knowing that it would happen just like he had known that she would instantly reach over to the opposite side of the bed. The strikingly familiar scene making him realize all to well that he was in deep now and turning away from her was not an option. She had become accustomed to him being around and now when he was slowly pulling away she was revealing the affect that he had on her. 'Funny' he thought how she would only admit how much he meant to her in her sleep. He was beginning to like this stubborn side of her.


	4. One Step Closer To The End Of You And I

CHAPTER 4 Is It Enough

Sydney woke up instantly, the sudden jolt of pain rousing her from her sleep. Quickly she walked into the bathroom. There was blood on her shorts. There shouldn't have been blood. Grabbing the phone she dialed her father's number. She could feel herself beginning to cry "dad" she said as she heard her father's drowsy voice on the other end.

"Sydney?" Jack said "what's going on?" He was already getting out of bed and turning on the light.

"Dad there's something wrong with the baby. I'm going to the hospital."

Quickly reaching for his clothes jack said "I'll meet you there"

Sydney hung up the phone and changed her clothes throwing her shorts and underwear on the bathroom floor.

Twenty minutes later she was dressed in a hospital gown and staring at her feet, her tears blinding her vision.

"I'm sorry Miss Bristow the examination shows that you've had a miscarriage" the doctor spoke quietly. "You'll need to rest for a while, regain your strength. I'll leave you alone for a moment to gather your thoughts. Would you like me to send your father in?"

Sydney didn't hear him, she was frozen. The baby was gone. How could that have happened? That baby had been the start of her new life, and the only connection to the one thing of her past that she missed so much. That baby had been her only link to Sark.

"Sydney would you like me to send your father in?" the doctor said again.

"No" she said in a whisper shaking her head. "Just give me a minute please."

"Ok" and he left the room.

She was crying freely now, nothing was holding her back and frankly she didn't want to hold back laying down on the gurney she curled herself into a ball and cried.

The hallway was dimly lit and empty except for Jack and the doctor. The sound of beeping heart monitors could be heard from every room.

Jack spoke in a hushed voice "why did this happen?" he asked.

The doctor who was shuffling thru paperwork looked up at Jack.

"Truthfully Mr. Bristow sir it could have been a myriad of reasons, the egg didn't attach itself strongly enough, Sydney's body could have rejected it. It's tough to say really.

Right now her body is telling her no, it doesn't mean she won't have a baby in the near future. But from what I hear about her life and yours is that it's too stressful. I understand that she did quit though and she moved."

Jack shook his head. Clearing his throat "she was in the process of moving, I was helping her." Jack paused, his voice getting horse "she was upset because I wouldn't let her lift any boxes. She thought I was being too overprotective of her and the baby."

The doctor smiled faintly "Jack there is nothing that you can do now except help her thru this. I would suggest getting out of L.A completely, maybe permanently, I don't know where she was planning on moving before but I would get her out of here. she'll need a change maybe a place where she visited as a child something familiar some place that she feels comfortable, at home in." with that the doctor walked away patting Jack on the shoulder.

Walking over to the waiting area he pulled out his cell phone and dialed a seldom used yet memorized phone number.

He hoped that he wouldn't regret this decision.

Sark was in the middle of pouring more blue paint in the paint pan when his phone rang.

Wiping his hands on the rag hanging out of the back pocket of his jeans he walked over to the table that he had covered with newspaper and cans of paint, looking at the caller I.D Sark inhaled. Jack said that he would call only if it was an emergency; Sydney was only about four and a half months along in her pregnancy so obviously she couldn't be in labor.

He had just gotten back from L.A and she had been fine. He came back to get the nursery ready for her and the baby, though he had not told her he was doing so and he wasn't even sure if she would come back but he was anxious to have her see the room and he wanted it to be ready before the baby came. She would come back once she saw that he was ready for this, jack had even reassured him of that fact.

He answered the phone "Sark"

Jack spoke directly and calmly "you need to get here now, something's happened."

He was on a plane within minutes, leaving the paint brushes left to dry with blue paint still on them, Arriving at the airport later than he should have had the driver not gotten lost on the way to the hospital. Throwing the money in the drivers face and cursing him to oblivion Sark walked swiftly to the nurse's station.

"Sydney Bristow" he spoke with such force that the nurse flinched

"One moment sir" she said typing in Sydney's name on the computer.

"Are you family sir?" she asked him

Sark was calmly fuming now but before he could reply Jack came up behind him "Sark"

Turning around Sark asked "what happened, where is she?"

Nodding to the frightened nurse jack led Sark down the dimly lit hallway to Sydney's room.

"The doctor gave her something to help her sleep." Jack said

They stopped outside her room and Sark reached for the door handle when jack grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"Kindly take your hands off of me Jack."

"She lost the baby Sark."


	5. I'm Driving In The Dark Now

Chapter 5 Is It Enough?

Taken aback by what Jack had just said Sark stood motionless an uneasy feeling slowly taking over him. 'She lost the baby?' How could that have happened?

"Is she going to be ok?" Sark spoke quietly.

Jack shook his head "physically yes, mentally and emotionally? We'll have to wait and see. This is obviously a huge ordeal to have to go thru, the doctor said bed rest for at least three days and after that maybe antidepressants. Sydney has been thru a lot and that baby

Was one of the best things to happen to her, she was enlivened at the thought of being a mother. She will not deal with this well on her own and I don't think I am the best person to help her thru this." Jack said resigned.

Turning away from Jack, Sark opened the door. Sydney was facing the wall her back towards him. Closing the door behind him, He walked over to sit in the chair next to the bed and she stirred turning over to face him. Her eyes were bloodshot and slightly swollen the tears still falling down her cheeks she looked exhausted. She didn't say a thing only reached out her hand towards him. Sark made a move to sit in the chair beside her and she grabbed his hand pulling him closer to the bed. She shifted to make room for him and he paused not really sure if he should lie next to her. But she persisted by pulling on his hand a little harder and saying "please" so softly he wasn't sure if she had said it in the first place.

He let go of her hand making her think he would leave and a saddened look crossed her face he looked at her and shook his head slightly and then started to undo the button on his suit jacket and placed it over the chair. Reaching over to the end of the bed he grabbed the blanket and unfolded it and spread it over her tucking it in near her feet.

Finally he lay down next to her and she instantly moved to tuck her head underneath his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her, this feeling of ease between them all too familiar. She didn't talk to him, wouldn't even look him in the eye now, but she wouldn't let him go either and he took that as a good sign. He wondered why he cared really; with the baby gone it meant that there was nothing for them now.

"Are you upset with me?" she said breaking his silent reverie

He said nothing only shook his head no "are you upset with me?" he said back to her

She shook her head no. She was silent for a moment before saying "How long have you known?"

"Since the day after you left, the test was still in the trash, I didn't know if it was positive or not and I knew you were still angry and wouldn't talk to me."

She adjusted the position of her head on chest and said knowingly

"You followed me didn't you?"

He smirked slightly "why do you ask a question if you already know the answer?"

"I didn't even know you were in L.A, my father had to tell me, I didn't have a clue."

"Just so you know , he called me first not the other way around, I may have followed you around but your father was the one who contacted me and confirmed what I thought I knew." Sark said hoping that she would be happy that her father had called him, and that he had showed up despite the fact that they had separated on bad terms.

"Don't be mad at him ok, he just thought I should know, even if he can't grasp the thought that you were with me"

Sydney noticed the shadow of hurt in his voice at the point that her father had to tell him she had been pregnant and not her herself.

"When I called him he didn't seem to be upset with it but more like resigned with the reality of it."

Sark changed the subject not wanting to dwell on it.

"The doctor said you need to stay for at least three days." He said hoping that it wasn't obvious that he wanted to continue on the conversation he had started and ended so abruptly

"Ok"

Surprised that she had complied so easily with the doctors wishes he said "ok? You're not upset that you have to stay confined to a bed for the next three days?"

"I would rather stay here and have people wait hand and foot on me than have my father worry about me so much, it seems this is hard on him too."

Sark didn't have an answer to that but decided to not add to her pain by saying that in fact he was affected by this too. He was involved with this too.

They were silent long enough to have her fall asleep and Sark quietly untangled himself from her grasp without waking her and covered her entirely with the blanket.

Sark rolled up his wrinkled shirt sleeves and grabbed his jacket throwing it over his arm he kissed her forehead, opened the door and walked into the hallway to find Jack sound asleep in a chair by the door.

Wide awake and alone for the moment Sark wondered down the halls his hands in his pockets and his eyes straight ahead and for the first time unsure of just what lay ahead for Sydney and himself.


End file.
